Night of the Living Crack
by tobipineapples
Summary: A set of crack pairing drabbles. More or less whatever disturbing ideas me and my friends think up. YaoiHet warning.
1. HidanNaru

**This is the first installment of a series of crack drabbles. You'll see both normal guy girl and some yaoi guy guy. The ratings will vary like crazy as will the humor content of the story.**

**There will be an assortment of pairings, all of them very strange/uncommon/cracky. **

**Please enjoy my drabbles.**

Pairing- HidanNaru

To give a brief summary- Hidan is sent to capture kyuubi, but unfortunately is an idiot. He doesn't even realize it when Naruto is right under his own nose. Will he figure it out? If so will Naruto escape? Just read and see XD

Rating-M for language

Warnings-Language, slight gore

Humor

(…)

"Fucking Leader…Fucking kyuubi. Just 'cause Itachi is too much of a faggy prick to be able to catch him the responsibilities fall on me…And most of all…STUPID MOTHER FUCKING KAKUZU WHO FUCKING LEFT ME OUT HERE IN THE MIDDLE OF THE WOODS IN PURSUIT OF SOME CHUMP CHANGE!!" Hidan screamed at the top of his lungs. He smashed his foot against a tree not at all caring about his large toe breaking in the process.

He glanced around him. Konoha…Unknown territory, just where he wanted to be abandoned. "How the hell am I suppose to sneak into the village anyway? Akatsuki robe and all," he grumbled.

"Oh Keisuke, this is a wonderful spot!" a girl swooned. "I'm glad you like it Shuuko," a boy responded.

"Wrong place and time for a date," Hidan said to himself. At least the problem of how to disguise himself was answered. Free clothes for the taking.

(…)

"What's a guy have to do to get some food in this place? Seriously!" Hidan demanded, shifting around uncomfortably on a stool in front of a small ramen shop inside the confounds of Konoha.

He was wearing the clothes oddly similar to ones that had previously been seen on a boy named Keisuke. Hidan had been debating wearing the clothes much like the ones a girl named Shuuko had been wearing, but had decided against that. One, because they were too small, two, because that was fucking gay.

"Ahhh, Ayame, I've been through Hell and back during training today! I need at least five bowls of ramen to make up for this," a blond boy whined, collapsing in the seat next to Hidan.

Hidan made a noise of irritation at the boy. He better not expect to be served first, because Hidan had been sitting there for a whole two minutes and wasn't about to let some loser who couldn't deal with training come in and make him wait even longer for his damned noodles. Which reminded him, where were his damned noodles?

The boy turned his blue eyes upwards to Hidan and frowned slightly. "Who are you?" he asked "I don't think I've ever seen you before…"

"Well no duh, dipshit. The village is so ridiculously big, it's not like it'd be odd to not know everyone in it, seriously," Hidan snorted.

The boy looked shocked. Hidan quickly corrected himself. "Uh…I mean, yeah. I normally eat on the other side of town."

"Oh…" the boy said looking at Hidan suspiciously. "Who are you?"

"I'm Hidan," he responded, the thought that using his own name was not the best of ideas didn't even cross his mind.

"Uzumaki Naruto," the boy offered.

"Awesome" Hidan said reaching his hand out. Naruto reached up to shake it before Hidan's hand went right passed him and grabbed a bowl of ramen from Ayame. Naruto frowned and let his hand drop. Well that was embarrassing.

"Are you a ninja?" Naruto asked "You shink anywasn ash awshome lookin' ash meh coun't beh?" Hidan asked through a mouthful of ramen.

Naruto gave him a funny look, he'd never met anyone who had even worse table manners then he had….This was great!!

"So where is your headband?" Naruto asked?

Hidan began choking on the ramen. "My..? Oh, yeah…That. I uh, left it at home," the man said lamely.

Crap, there is no way anyone is dumb enough to buy that lame excuse. I'll be found out before I even get a chance to see kyuubi. Hidan thought, his purple eyes watching the exit nervously. He was ready to make a break for it.

"Oh, that makes sense," the blond nodded.

Hidan's mouth practically dropped to the floor. "You believe that?" he asked.

"Should I not?" asked Naruto

"No, no. It's true, all true, seriously."

Hidan stood up and walked out of the ramen shop, conveniently as Ayame was dealing with another customer, conveniently forgetting to pay for his meal.

Naruto noticed this and called out to him. "Hey! Hidan! You forgot to pay!" "Motherfucking little shithead of a…" Hidan muttered. "Oh yeah? Well gee, thank God you reminded me." If it weren't for the fact that he was trying to blend in, Hidan would have just sacrificed them all then and there. But alas, that was the problem with trying to not draw attention to yourself.

He made a mental note to stab the boy with his scythe after finding kyuubi.

"So where are you heading to now?" Naruto asked hopping up and following Hidan. He was bored and Hidan seemed entertaining enough to kill some time with.

The man glared down at the boy. He was every bit as annoying as Tobi. Another Tobi…Hidan hadn't even though that was possible. He had certainly prayed that God never made another of that kind. Obviously his prayers had been ignored. He really needed to make some more sacrifices if he was expecting to get any answered.

More sacrifices, hey…He knew just the candidate for that. "Just for a walk in the woods. Wanna come with?" he asked Naruto, inwardly patting himself on the back for his sheer brilliance.

"Sure!" Naruto chirped happily.

"Excellent, you have no idea what you're in for…"

"What?"

"Oh shit, did I just say that out loud? Nothing, I said nothing."

"Okay…?"

(…)

"I'm not really sure where we are. You do know the way back don't you Hidan-san?" Naruto asked.

Hidan snorted. "You're an idiot. You don't get it do you? There is no back for you."

"You don't want me to go back…? Why? Oh I get it! This is Tsunade's idea! She wants you to take me on a mission right?" Naruto asked

"Yes that's right I'm going to- Wait…What? What the fuck?" Hidan took a few steps back, hoping stupidity wasn't contagious.

"That isn't it?" Naruto asked. "What else could you possibly mean?"

"I'm gonna fucking kill you," Hidan practically screamed.

"WHAT?! I see! It's because that damned fox is inside me and you're an assassin."

"Yeah! Exactly! You're kyuubi and I'm a…YOU'RE KYUUBI?!"

Naruto blinked. That hadn't been his reason?

"Well damn! My job just got easier," Hidan said smugly. "You're coming back with me fox boy."

"NO!" Naruto growled.

"It wasn't a choice. Now to…to…fuck," Hidan's eye twitched as he realized he had left all of his belongings, including his scythe back at the little clearing he had been waiting for Kakuzu in.

Naruto narrowed his eyes getting ready for an attack.

"Yeah…uh, I can't do this right now. Maybe if we fight in another clearing?" Hidan asked hopefully.

Naruto continued to glare.

"Didn't think so," Hidan grumbled. Well hell…How hard can it be to defeat this kid?

(…)

Apparently a lot harder than Hidan had originally thought.

No matter how much blood I draw I can't knock him out, his wounds just keep healing Hidan thought, glancing around for a rock he could chuck at the boy's head or something. It's kinda like me…Obviously I'm much better, but still- Oh shit! Better dodge.

He slid around and grabbed the kyuubi vessel by the back of his neck. Pinning him to a tree. For safety measures he pressed his own body against him just to make sure the boy couldn't move.

A trickle of blood dripped down the boy's cheek. Bingo thought Hidan dipping his head down to lick off the blood.

Naruto jerked back "First you try to kill me, then you fight me, now this?!"

"This…? What? Oh! Oh…Oh hell no!" Hidan said jerking his head back. "What do you think? No! Unlike the rest of Akatsuki, I'm not a queer, seriously." Hidan wasn't sure what the point of defending his sexuality to a boy he was about to knock senseless and then drag back for Leader to do who the hell knows what to was, but he didn't like the implication.

"You're not…? I wasn't saying that," Naruto narrowed his eyes "It's obvious you're like that creepy exam proctor from a few years back. Sick blood fetish."

Hidan glared down at him. "Yeah well…I'm not gay! Just saying, in case you thought that me getting defensive about it meant that I am…Cause I'm not."

"Right…" Naruto muttered.

Hidan spun the boy around so he was facing him. Pinning his wrist above his head. "I'm not," he hissed.

"…You don't call this gay?" Naruto asked slightly confused sounding.

"No gay would be something more like.." Hidan started to lean forward. "Wait!! I'm not showing you what that would be!!" He screamed jerking backwards, and letting go of the blond boy in the process.

Naruto took this chance to do what Hidan hadn't, that is, grab a rock and bashing the other on the head with it.

"F-fuck," Hidan hissed as he fell to the ground.

(…)

"Hidan you idiot…get up," an annoying familiar voice said. "Thanks to you, we had to turn back and didn't even get a chance to catch kyuubi. Who smashed your head open with a rock anyway? Finally pissed off a horde of villagers enough so they tried to do you in? Do you know how much money I lost because of you?"

"Shut up Kakuzu," Hidan muttered rolling over on his side. "I don't wanna talk about it."

"You sound like a spoiled child," Kakuzu remarked.

Hidan chose to ignore him. He was pissed. At the boy who had inflicted far above a needed amount of pain on his head. Pissed that he had accidentally let the boy get free. And pissed that that boy still probably thought he was gay. He wasn't gay damnit!!

Leader better damn well keep him on the kyuubi case, he had a thing or two to tell that punk. And he wouldn't be so careless next time.


	2. ShinoIno

Pairing: ShinoIno

Rating: T

Summary: Ino sure is a strange, loud person. Shino really doesn't get people like that

Romance

(…)

"OH MY GAWD!!! WHAT ARE YOU PLANNING?! YOU'RE GOING TO RAPE ME AREN'T YOU!?!?!?" Ino screamed flailing around.

"…Actually, I was going to ask you if you could move. You're in my way," Shino responded.

He gave her a strange look as he pushed his way by.

"What was that about?" Kiba asked him, as Shino made his way over to his team. Shino shrugged in reply. He didn't know, he didn't care. The less time he spent around someone loud and annoying like Ino, the better. Though he had to admit, as the dog boy began to babble on about whatever it was he was talking about (Shino didn't know, he had learned to tune him out long ago), Kiba was loud and annoying as well.

At least his voice wasn't annoyingly high pitched. Now if Hinata was the loud one on this team, Shino wasn't sure he'd be able to stand that.

"-And that's when the fleas started biting," Kiba was telling Hinata, waving his arms around. The girl nodded quietly as she listened attentively.

Well, maybe Ino wouldn't be as bad to listen to. At least she didn't talk about fleas. Then again, at least Kiba didn't accuse Shino of attempted rape. The very thought disgusted Shino. The bugs inside his body began to swarm unhappily, not liking the idea either.

But on that token, at least Ino was a female. She released hormones that were pleasing to the males of the human species. So in that affect, she was better then Kiba.

Shino began to wonder why he was even wondering this? The whole thing was stupid anyway. Kiba and Ino were both incredibly annoying, each in their own (very similar) ways. End of story.

"What do you think Shino?" Kiba asked turning to stare at the taller boy.

Shino hadn't been paying attention to anything that had been said, so he went with his regular reply "…Hnn."

"Hnn is right! Who could ever find Ino attractive? She's like her name sake," Kiba scrunched up his nose in disgust. "A pig."

"S-she's not so bad," Hinata mumbled. "At least s-she is able to t-tell her true f-feelings to the b-boy she likes."

Kiba snorted. "So? She likes Sasuke. Everyone loves Sasuke, the dickweed knows it too. It ain't that big of a deal."

"N-not everyone," Hinata whispered, blushing and fidgeting.

"What? Didn't here that," Kiba said, purposely tormenting the girl.

"If we go by the logic that everyone loves him….That would mean both sexes. It implies you also love him," Shino stated, feeling a slight tinge of amusement at the mortification on Kiba's face.

"No! Ewww nasty! No way! Nu-uh," Kiba stuck out his tongue in disgust. "Forget I even said anything!"

Hinata gave Shino an appreciative smile. Shino gave a slight nod of the head in return.

"You both suck…I want another team," Kiba growled storming off to the training field.

(…)

After a long days training, Shino wanted nothing more than to go home and relax. Perhaps even meditate to clear his mind of the chaos of life.

A pleasant thought, though not one that would be obtained on that particular night.

"I said LET ME GO!!" a high pitched, whiny voice shrieked. Shino had heard that voice earlier. Ah, that was right, Ino.

Shino debated helping her out, but she was a shinobi, right? She should be able to handle herself. In fact she might find it insulting for Shino to step in and not allow her to handle her own problems.

"You jerks! Get off!" she yelled again. Nevermind his previous thoughts.

"Co'm on now. Whas a predy lettle kunoichi like yerself doin' out herr by herself?" a heavily intoxicated man slurred. He gripped the girl by her wrist. His two friends smiled lecherously down at Ino.

"I'll hurt you!" Ino warned them, jerking her hands away. "Shee now, I don thin' sho," one of the friends said. "We's shinobi too. You ain't go'in no- HIGYAAAHH!!" The man went flying into the first. The force caused both men to go flying into the wall of a nearby house. The third took off before his friends even made contact with the surface.

"Are you okay?" a deep voice asked. Ino glanced up, trying to get a good look at her savior through the dust that had been stirred. "Thank you. That might have ended much worse if you hadn't come along," she squinted as the dust began to settle. "S-shino?"

The bug lover stood there calmly. "Yes," he agreed, wondering why it was such a surprise.

Ino shifted her weight from her right foot to her left. "You helped me even after I screamed at you in public this morning?" she asked. "Well, it certainly makes sense why you were so finicky earlier," Shino replied blankly.

"Still," Ino muttered. She clapped her hands together in front of her mouth and stood there with a contemplative look for a moment. Her eyes lit up. "If there is ever anything you need help with, feel free to ask me. I'd be glad to help. And Shino…" she paused here and slowly walked towards him. Linking her left arm around the back of his head she used her right hand to pull down his jacket away from his face. Taking a deep breath she placed a chaste kiss on his lips. "Thank you again."

Smiling a waving goodbye, she took off down the street.

Shino put his hand up to his mouth. He felt his blood rush towards his face. How strange, was he…blushing?


	3. ShinoGaara

Pairing: ShinoGaa

Rating: M

Warnings: Lemon

Summary: Shino goes to Suna on diplomatic relations and just as Temari wishes, he and Gaara find a way to get passed their awkward silence.

Romance

(…)

"….."

"……"

"……."

"Productive though this conversation is, it would really be some help to me if one of you guys said something," Temari said glaring at the two boys in front of her. A tall boy who was covered from head to toe in fabric, and her own short little red headed brother.

She sighed and rubbed her forehead with her palm. She understood that Shino had been sent as the diplomat to Suna because of his exceptional shinobi skills and logical way of thinking, but this was ridiculous. The only talking that ever seemed to happen was when Kankuro was around. Her other idiot brother didn't seem to feel the same sense of awkwardness that all the other ninja of this village did around Shino.

She started knocking her hand lightly against her head. What would happen if she just left these two in a room alone and forced them to talk?

Okay, so they wouldn't talk. They would just sit there in silence until she broke down and finally let them out. The only time she had heard them exchange words was the one time that Gaara had asked Shino how Naruto was. Other then that the Konoha shinobi would talk to the kazekage and his counsel only when it was necessary for his assignment.

Temari had a feeling this guy talked even less then her own little brother Gaara. At least Gaara would respond with more then a "Hn" when asked how he was.

"I don't have time to waste hanging around her," she growled angrily. "I'll come get you two when the meeting starts in a few hours. Until then, just stay here and talk."

A long pause of silence.

"Or don't, I don't really give a damn." She stalked off in a huff. Judging by her actions though, it was obvious she did for some reason that neither boy could seem to figure out.

There was another long ten minutes of quiet before Gaara finally said. "She is a good person." He just wanted to make sure the other boy understood that. He didn't care for someone to think badly about his sister.

Shino just nodded in reply. That was enough for Gaara. He was satisfied.

He walked over to a large open window and looked out across at the desert. His face remained passive as his gaze stretched out across the endless sea of sand.

Walking over behind Gaara, Shino glanced at the vast desert. But his eyes fell upon the small boy in front of him.

It was amazing that such a small, pale, weak looking boy was as powerful as he was. His face looked docile and his green eyes seemed calm and clear despite the dark rings around them.

Shino remembered when he first saw Gaara during the chuunin exams. In the forest, he had been a cold blooded killer. His eyes bloodthirsty his face had been contorted with his own insanity.

Shino turned his head to the side, his eyes half lidded. He tried to decide how to say what he was thinking while trying not to offend Gaara.

"You're not the same as how I remembered you being. I know you must have changed considering Konoha and Suna's relationship. It is still something that is odd to see however. You being…." He paused not sure what word to use. He final settled for "Normal."

Gaara didn't bother moving, or even looking at Shino. He tilted his head to the side considering what the other had said. "Normal?" he finally murmured thoughtfully.

"Perhaps that wasn't the best choice of wording. You understand what I mean however? I suppose I could try to reword it if you don't…"

Gaara slowly shook his head. "I…understand," he said in his low voice. "You were there…In the forest when I killed them. The one with the needle umbrella and the others."

Shino raised his eyebrows. He was surprised Gaara had remembered that, he was even more surprised to learn that Gaara had known who it had been that was spying on him that day. "Hn," he replied.

Gaara looked like he wanted to say something else. Instead he turned away from the window, and walked across the room.

For the next hour or so nothing could be heard except for the sound of the wind blowing across the parched desert land. The two sat there, staring at each other in silence.

It would have gone on for sometime if Temari hadn't burst in. "Let's go, I don't have all day! Meeting time!"

Still without saying anything, the boys got up and left the room.

"I knew it," Temari grumped. "I bet they didn't say a word to each other the whole time I was gone."

(…)

The meeting had cut in late. The sun had already set and the desert that had been stiflingly hot a few hours before was now freezing. Shino was finding himself glad that he wore so many layers of clothing.

As he slowly walked towards his room he heard a low voice ring out behind him. "Shino…"

Turning around Gaara was standing right behind him. They stood there in the same strange silence as before.

"Is something wrong?" Shino asked breaking the quiet.

Gaara frowned thoughtfully. "I was trying to seduce you," he answered. He looked completely serious.

Shino open and closed his mouth a couple times. For the first time in his life he was at a loss for not only words, but for coherent thoughts.

He recovered quickly enough. "I'm sorry, I think I heard you wrong."

"I was trying to seduce you. I was trying to make you feel attracted to me."

By just staring? That wasn't even the oddest thing about it though. "Why?" Shino asked.

"You're interesting. I've slowly began to feel affection towards others. But until this point I've yet to feel sexual attraction."

"…To feel… …. ….What do you…?"

"I was not planning on forcing anything upon you," Gaara clarified. "I'd be willing to go as far or not as you wish."

A strange feeling washed over Shino. He frowned thoughtfully. "Follow me," he said walking the rest of the way back to his room. He motioned for Gaara to come in as well.

As soon as the shorter boy walked in Shino closed the door. He hesitated before removing his glasses and first two jackets. He still had a shirt on underneath it all.

However, the sudden lack of warmth around him on such a cold night caused Shino's body to begin shivering.

Gaara pulled off his own coat slowly. He kept his eyes on Shino to make sure the other didn't start to protest. At the sight of him shuddering in the cold Gaara started to move forward towards him. He stopped mid-step, closing his eyes and taking a deep breath before lightly placing his hand on Shino's arm.

Shino's eyes flickered to the side. The next thing Gaara knew he was lying on the bed on his back, the bug boy on top of him, their mouths making light contact.

Shino pulled away and looked down at him. His dark eyes had a strange look in them. It wasn't love, they hardly knew each other so there was certainly no love between them. It wasn't lust either. Gaara didn't understand the look in a way, yet at the same time, he felt it carried his own feelings about this situation.

They knew exactly what they were doing while at the same time having no idea what was going on.

The plowed on further and further. It started with kissing. Small light kisses falling down on cheeks, lips, even necks.

It progressed to using the tongue, as they both deepened the kisses as far as they could.

Despite the cold they felt hot and their bodies shimmered with sweat in the moonlight. Shirts, pants, and finally underwear were all removed.

Hands ran down across sensitive areas. Tongues were once more brought back into use, though in much different ways.

Their breath intermingled. Their muscles tensed. Their bodies practically melted into one another. The night wore on.

(…)

"It was nice to see you again I guess," Kankuro said "Even though the last time I saw you, you freakin' attacked me with bugs." He frowned. "People change a lot I guess."

"…Yes," Shino agreed his eyes flickering over to Gaara. The red head met his gaze with a passive look. "We expect to see you again in a few months for the next set of meetings," Temari informed Shino. Shino nodded, eyes still focused on Gaara.

Finally the kazekage spoke. "Next time your room will be placed closer to mine. That way I will be able to reach you more easily when I have questions." A strange look flashed across his face.

Shino smirked slightly behind his layers of clothing. He nodded again before turning away from them and slowly walking away.

The only thought that crossed his mind was, _I hope the next couple months pass by fairly quickly. Suna is a far more interesting place than I first thought._


End file.
